The Gynecolgist.

I stand near the campfire. A man walks up to me “are you married?” “No not yet” I respond. He stands closer, head leans in, brandy breathed, whispering conspiratorially, moustache now tickling my ear “I am a gynecologist”.
The first word on everyone’s lips here in Kerala is marriage. The question comes out of the blue without any warm up or pleasantries like Indians habit off beeping there horns without reason it is an impulse and can not be controlled. Yesterday I attended a betrothment, an engagement ceremony. Down in the hot and sticky town of Mundekayam. I vowed to myself last time not to overdress but I forgot. Jeans, shoes and a shirt was almost the death of me. Everybody else turned up in dhotis (men skirts) and sandals. A massive meal of beef and fish curry followed. I melted as the food was piled on to my banana leaf. Are you married asks the man next to me “Yes”
In Kerala as in the rest of India everyone in their mid 20’s is married. Single status at my age is an anathema it is beyond comprehension. Puzzlement and bewilderment always follow when I say I am not married this is followed by a sense of shame and inadequacy on my behalf, for everyone’s benefit it is best to claim married status. Over the last few years I have been married more times than a serial bigamist could ever wish for. I have been divorced more times than Joan Collins (keeping it topical) and on some occasions I have even been a widower. I might, even, whilst under the influence of beer claimed to have kids as well. To be a bachelor, or here a “chronic bachelor”, has serious undertones. It assumes sadness, misery an absence of a real life. Worse still it means a virgin and that you probably haven’t kissed a girl. At 36? (all possible, truth and reality have become blurred) So better to make it all up?
Before I have tried to explain my position of loves lost but this goes down even worse, men stare at there feet, women cover their mouths, birds stop chirruping in the trees it can take minutes to recover conversation.
Devas and Lucosh and all the brandy men in the village of Kuttikanam are scheming now. Glass after glass is poured down. We will arrange it they say. No rush I say but if it does end, or start like this I would like a lass who could cycle. First children and housewife then she can cycle they assert. Sounds good. Anyhow I have a months respite; at least amongst the Christians; no one can get married in the 25 days before Christmas without the a letter from the Archbishop of the Antioch himself. To everyone else reading in Kerala I am a happily married thanks. No more questions. Good night. Are you married?